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The Row Upon The Stairs

Says Mistress Bell te Mistress Todd: “Ye’d better clean the stairs!
Ye’ve missed yor turn for monny a week, The neybors a’ did theirs!”
Says Mistress Todd to Mistress Bell: “Aa tell ye Mistress Bell;
Ye’d better mind your own affairs, An’ clean the stairs yor-sel.”

O what tungs i’ the row upon the stairs,
Clitterin, clatterin, scandal an’ clash,
I’ the row upon the stairs

Says Mistress Todd: “When it suits me to think that it’s me turn;
Ye’ve a vast o’ cheek te order me, thor’s not a wummin born.
That keeps a cleaner hoose than me an’ mark ye, Mistress Bell,
Ef ye’d oney dee the syem as me ye’d gan an’ clean yor sel!”

Says Mistress Bell: “Ye clarty fah, we wasn’t that stole the beef?”
“What de ye say?” cries Mistress Todd, “De ye mean that Aa’ m a thief?
Let’s heh the sixpence that Aa lent te treat Meg Smith wi’ gin!
An where’s the blanket that ye gat the last time ye lay in?”

Says Mistress Bell: “Ye knaa yorfsel the sixpence’s lang been paid,
An’ the raggy blanket that ye lent wes nee use the ye said!”
“A raggy blanket! Mistress Bell” cries Mistress Todd “What cheek!
Yor dorty sockin had two holes full twice the size last week!”

“Maa holey stockins, Mistress Todd luks better i’ the street
Than yor gud man’s owld blucher beuts ye weer te hide yor feet!
The eer-rings ye gat frae the Jew on tick the tuthor day,
‘Ill be like the fine manadge man’s shawl the syem as gien away!”

Says Mistress Todd: “Ye greet sk’yet gob, Ye’d bettor had yor jaw,
The varry shift upon yor back belongs the wife belaw!”
“Ye lazy wretch!” shoots Mistress Bell, “It’s true thor is nee doot,
Last neet ye fuddled wi’ Bob the Snob, The time yor man wes oot!”

“Oh, Mistress Bell!” says Mistress Todd, “Ye brazind-luckin slut,
Ye may tawk away te clean the stairs, Aw’ll nivor stir a fut!
Afore Aa’d lift a skoorin cloot the mucky stairs te clean,
Aa’d see them turn as black as ye, Ye pawnshop-lucking queen!”

Words by Joe Wilson

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